Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2012 10:48 pm
I arrived, i saw, i left. Was i right? bad, very bad.
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APOD and General Astronomy Discussion Forum
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Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Page 7 of 19
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 1:15 am
One day as their orbits brought them close together, Venus yelled over to Mercury, hey Mercury, you want to go ride the rings of Saturn? It's only a quarter a ride. Alas, Mercury replied. I've only got a dime.
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:15 pm
If you have 3 apples and you eat one, How many apples do you have left?
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:53 pm
Well... that depends on how long you wait, doesn't it?BMAONE23 wrote:If you have 3 apples and you eat one, How many apples do you have left?
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 6:35 pm
yes. because if you wait too long, the other apples might rot, and you would have to throw them out. leaving you with none.
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:18 pm
A man walks into the doctor and points out various parts of his body.
It hurts here
Here
Here
Here
And here
Ah... You have a broken finger, said the Doctor!!! ( BADOOM tish)
Owzat!?
It hurts here
Here
Here
Here
And here
Ah... You have a broken finger, said the Doctor!!! ( BADOOM tish)
Owzat!?
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 12:32 am
A couple had a baby boy that had no body, no arms, no legs -- only the skull, brain, head and face (all parts above the neck).
When his son turned 21, dad took him to a bar to buy him a birthday drink.
The kid had one sip of booze and BLAM! he grew a body.
Another sip and BLAM!! he had arms.
Another sip and BLAM! he had legs.
At this point he was so ecstatic he ran out of the bar on his new legs, into the street and BLAM! gets hit by a bus and is killed instantly.
The father and other bar patrons sit in shocked silence, dumbstruck.
But the bartender, not missing a beat, shrugs his shoulders and says: "He should've quit while he was a head."
When his son turned 21, dad took him to a bar to buy him a birthday drink.
The kid had one sip of booze and BLAM! he grew a body.
Another sip and BLAM!! he had arms.
Another sip and BLAM! he had legs.
At this point he was so ecstatic he ran out of the bar on his new legs, into the street and BLAM! gets hit by a bus and is killed instantly.
The father and other bar patrons sit in shocked silence, dumbstruck.
But the bartender, not missing a beat, shrugs his shoulders and says: "He should've quit while he was a head."
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 12:45 am
ART --baggypants wrote:Cue for longer blank space there or?rstevenson wrote:Except... most people have fairly large screens now. Mine, which is not all that large, shows me your joke post and the two below it without scrolling. So no anticipation for me, just setup and punchline, pretty much all at once.Beyond wrote:But Art, the spoiler button eliminates the anticipation that developes when taking the l-o-n-g scrolling journey
Rob
The guy with no arms and no legs who's hanging on your wall... Who is he when at your door? MATT... In your pool?...BOB ...And at the bottom of your hot tub?... DWAYNE
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 5:43 pm
Ah-hah! no-arm/no-leg jokes. The sick jokes that are (mostly) acceptable) at Boy Scout campfires!
The two guys with no arms/no legs in front of your window? Curt and Rod
The guy with no arms/no legs next to a hole in the ground? Doug
The guy with no arm/no legs in the hole? Phil
The girl with no arms/only one leg? Eileen
The girl with no arms/no legs in the camping tent? Peg
The guy with no arms/no legs in the campfire? Bernie
The guy with no arms/ no legs hiding in the pile of leaves? Russel
The guy with no arms/no legs sitting in a cup of coffee? Duncan
What do you call the guy with no arms/no legs that won the mega lottery? Rich
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway...
The two guys with no arms/no legs in front of your window? Curt and Rod
The guy with no arms/no legs next to a hole in the ground? Doug
The guy with no arm/no legs in the hole? Phil
The girl with no arms/only one leg? Eileen
The girl with no arms/no legs in the camping tent? Peg
The guy with no arms/no legs in the campfire? Bernie
The guy with no arms/ no legs hiding in the pile of leaves? Russel
The guy with no arms/no legs sitting in a cup of coffee? Duncan
What do you call the guy with no arms/no legs that won the mega lottery? Rich
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway...
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2012 6:02 pm
An infrared wavelength goes into a bar and asks, "Is is warm in here, or is it just me?"
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:04 am
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:03 pm
geckzilla wrote:
Kind of amusing. (Big image is at the link)
http://rationalcrank.blogspot.com/2010/ ... e-has.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Last_Supper_%28da_Vinci%29 wrote:
<<The Last Supper measures 15 feet × 29 ft and covers an end wall of the dining hall at the monastery of Santa Maria delle Grazie in Milan, Italy. The theme was a traditional one for refectories. [A refectory (also frater, frater house, fratery) is a dining room, especially in monasteries, boarding schools, and academic institutions. One of the places the term is most often used today is in graduate seminaries.] Judas Iscariot [i.e., Isaac Newton] is looking rather withdrawn and taken aback by the sudden revelation of Einstein's theory of relativity. He is clutching a small apple, perhaps getting ready to throw it at Einstein.>>
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:27 pm
Geez, Neuf, you've got worse eyesight then i have. The apple is in front of his hand.(via magnifying glass) He may be thinking of grabbing it and throwing it, but he also may be thinking about eating it instead. Ah, decisions, decisions.neufer wrote:He is clutching a small apple...
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:29 pm
If you look at this one you might not need a magnifying glass:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3aI_TQ2imrY/S ... ttened.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3aI_TQ2imrY/S ... ttened.jpg
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:54 pm
[Neufer] is clutching a large tomato, perhaps getting ready to throw it...Beyond wrote:Geez, Neuf, you've got worse eyesight then i have. The apple is in front of his hand.(via magnifying glass) He may be thinking of grabbing it and throwing it, but he also may be thinking about eating it instead. Ah, decisions, decisions.neufer wrote:
[Newton] is clutching a small apple...
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:08 pm
Okay, please help me identify the disciples of Einstein!
On the far left is Galileo Galilei. Then we have Marie Curie. Number three, I don't know. Then of course we have Isaac "Iscariot" Newton, and then someone I don't recognize. Could it be Rutherford? If so, why not Niels Bohr? Then we have, of course, Stephen Hawking. Carl Sagan is toasting Einstein. The next one I don't recognize. Could the guy in the toga be Ptolemy? Then we have a guy that I do recognize, but I don't remember his name, although it could be "DeGrasse" or something. The guy taking a group picture is again someone I don't recognize. Finally, of course, we have Charles Darwin, who might be wondering at his inclusion in this illustrious company of astronomers and cosmologists - although the company also includes at least one chemist and possibly one particle physicist.
Ann
On the far left is Galileo Galilei. Then we have Marie Curie. Number three, I don't know. Then of course we have Isaac "Iscariot" Newton, and then someone I don't recognize. Could it be Rutherford? If so, why not Niels Bohr? Then we have, of course, Stephen Hawking. Carl Sagan is toasting Einstein. The next one I don't recognize. Could the guy in the toga be Ptolemy? Then we have a guy that I do recognize, but I don't remember his name, although it could be "DeGrasse" or something. The guy taking a group picture is again someone I don't recognize. Finally, of course, we have Charles Darwin, who might be wondering at his inclusion in this illustrious company of astronomers and cosmologists - although the company also includes at least one chemist and possibly one particle physicist.
Ann
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:12 pm
Ann, if you follow the link in geckzilla's initial post about the image, you'll be able to read who is in the image and why each was selected.
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:34 pm
Thanks, owlice. So the ones I didn't recognize were Oppenheimer, Louis Pasteur, Edison, Aristotle and Richard Dawkins.
Geckzilla, I love the picture of Spock Elvis! Maybe he could have been included, if he - that is, Spock - wasn't made of science fiction rather than fact. Spock's "superpower" is logic, and Aristotle was included for inventing it!
Ann
Geckzilla, I love the picture of Spock Elvis! Maybe he could have been included, if he - that is, Spock - wasn't made of science fiction rather than fact. Spock's "superpower" is logic, and Aristotle was included for inventing it!
Ann
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:14 am
WHOA!! With my 2-foot screen set at 150% magnification, my screen is heap plenty full! Which also verifies that no apples (or tomatos) are being clenched. Unless neufer is hiding behind some one with a tomato, getting ready to throw it at me, and blame it on Stephen Hawking.ha-ha-hageckzilla wrote:If you look at this one you might not need a magnifying glass:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3aI_TQ2imrY/S ... ttened.jpg
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:50 pm
Why is the Stoic man with the Grim look laughing on the inside?
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:58 pm
BMAONE23 wrote:
Why is the Stoic man with the Grim look laughing on the inside?
BMAONE = BA(d) OMEN
http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Grim wrote:
<<The Grim is an omen of death, which is reputed to bring about the demise of the person who encounters it. The Grim takes the shape of a large, black, spectral dog. Perhaps the most well-known of omens, the Grim has earned infamy throughout the wizarding world and is considered to be one of the worst, if not the worst, omens around.>>
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 5:54 pm
In Harry Potter, the Grim is an omen of death? I wand-der why??
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:51 pm
And a few of the old favorite cannibal jokes....
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?... badum-dum tsshh
Did you hear about the cannibal student that was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?...
Did you hear about the starving cannibal that went to the soup kitchen for a hand out?....
Did you hear about the cannibal that ate a vegetarian and decided to turn over a new leaf?...
Two cannibals talking after a meal. ''Your wife certainly makes a fine soup.'' ''Yes, but I'm still going to miss her.''
Did you hear about the cannibal policeman that was always grilling the suspects?...
Three explorers have been captured by cannibals. They are told that after they are eaten, their pale skin will make the best covering for the ceremonial canoe which has been in bad repair. To thank the explorers in advance for this 'gift', each is allowed one request.
The first explorer asks that he be killed painlessly with the sleeping poison the cannibals carry. They grant his request.
The second explorer asks for ink and paper so he can write a farewell letter to his wife and family. A runner is sent to fetch the implements, and is back in short order. He writes a long letter, and bravely faces his fate.
The third explorer asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but fetch him a fork. Once he has it, he begins stabbing himself violently, screaming out ''To Hell With Your Canoe!!''
Did you hear about the cannibal king who almost starved because his subjects were revolting?...
Did you hear about the missionary that went into cannibal country to give them their first taste of christianity?...
Did you hear about the cannibal queen who exclaimed ''Let them eat Mr Cake!''
Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?... badum-dum tsshh
Did you hear about the cannibal student that was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?...
Did you hear about the starving cannibal that went to the soup kitchen for a hand out?....
Did you hear about the cannibal that ate a vegetarian and decided to turn over a new leaf?...
Two cannibals talking after a meal. ''Your wife certainly makes a fine soup.'' ''Yes, but I'm still going to miss her.''
Did you hear about the cannibal policeman that was always grilling the suspects?...
Three explorers have been captured by cannibals. They are told that after they are eaten, their pale skin will make the best covering for the ceremonial canoe which has been in bad repair. To thank the explorers in advance for this 'gift', each is allowed one request.
The first explorer asks that he be killed painlessly with the sleeping poison the cannibals carry. They grant his request.
The second explorer asks for ink and paper so he can write a farewell letter to his wife and family. A runner is sent to fetch the implements, and is back in short order. He writes a long letter, and bravely faces his fate.
The third explorer asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but fetch him a fork. Once he has it, he begins stabbing himself violently, screaming out ''To Hell With Your Canoe!!''
Did you hear about the cannibal king who almost starved because his subjects were revolting?...
Did you hear about the missionary that went into cannibal country to give them their first taste of christianity?...
Did you hear about the cannibal queen who exclaimed ''Let them eat Mr Cake!''
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 2:55 pm
This joke is imported from a 'live wire' in Turkey.
Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them
exclaimed, "Oh no - I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other
one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."
Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them
exclaimed, "Oh no - I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other
one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."
Re: Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)
Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 7:04 am
