Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

[geckzilla]

A married couple have a baby boy that's born with no body at all, just a head and a neck but it's their child and so they love and raise him. Now when the head turns twenty one his dad takes him to a bar to get his first drink so he sets the head down on a bar stool next to him and pours a drink into his mouth and poof, a body pops out of the neck. Everybody at the bar is quite surprised at what they have just seen, obviously. then dad pours another drink into his mouth and poof, arms pop out. Now with complete arms he pours another into his own mouth and poof, legs pop out and at this point his son stands up and starts running around the bar ecstatic for the fact that for the first time in his life he is a complete person and he runs out of the bar and into the street where he is immediately hit by a car and killed.
Now as the father sits heartbroken at the bar and the other patrons of the bar sit completely dumbfounded from what they had just witnessed the bartender, as bartenders will be (not missing a beat) Says, yep he should have quit while he was a head

How did they know it was a baby boy at birth?

Let's just say that when it learned to talk it let them know what gender it was and then the story was written after that point. That's one of the easier things to come up with an explanation for. Forget the fact that it has no way of breathing, pumping blood, eating, excreting, or surviving, period.

[THX1138]

Agreed on the child's sex thing, when i heard the joke originally the child was referred to as IT but I didn't feel right with that
As for the remaining points which you have made..............I don't know how the child lived I just know that he made it to his 21st birthday

[geckzilla]

Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror
http://www.theonion.com/articles/astron ... wit,37437/

[Beyond]

The Onion has gone bad. They missed April 1st by quite a bit!!

[bystander]

Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.

[Beyond]

Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.

Oh, ok. I don't read Onions, so i didn't know that. In that case, they're right on! Go Onion!! You've found a thread that fits.

[BMAONE23]

Every day is April 1st at the Onion. It's what they do.

Oh, ok. I don't read Onions, so i didn't know that. In that case, they're right on! Go Onion!! You've found a thread that fits.

If the thread fits...Keep em in stitches

[Ron-Astro Pharmacist]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Sadly the policeman called in a dick-tape-tive and uncovered the pubi-taper. The nurse plead "innocence" and the judge let her off for good behavior in the face of overwhelming opportunity.

[THX1138]

I hope that when i die i go peacefully-in my sleep like my grandfather did
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car

[Ron-Astro Pharmacist]

I can see this happening with my dad. He is an 87yo retired Navy Chief Petty Officer who was a gunners mate and is now very hard-of-hearing and crotchety.

A cop pulls him over for driving too slow. Dad gets out of the car and heads back to confront the officer. The officer says, "Cease and desist!" My dad would then say "What?" and ask," If I'm deceased how can I assist?"

[kellogg]

So I'm watching a documentary about the dangers of near earth asteroids crossing Earth's orbit.

They've got a program to prepare for any Earth-impactors asteroids by firing missiles armed with Hydrogen bombs to blow them apart before they can cause any damage.

They're calling the program Preparation H because that's what you use on asteroids....

Scott

[kellogg]

Then there was the arthropologist who named his daughter Anna Lida...

Scott

[kellogg]

Did you hear about the Stage Magician who turned his car into a telephone pole...?

Scott

[BMAONE23]

Did you hear about the Stage Magician who turned his car into a telephone pole...?

Scott

Did you hear the one about the 2 drunks who walked into a bar...OUCH...THUMP

[kellogg]

A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest looks at it and tells it to leave immediately.
The Higgs Boson replies "But you need me.
Without me you can't have mass..."

[kellogg]

Heisenberg is driving his friend Schrodinger home from a conference. A cop pulls them over.

"DO you know how fast you were going?", asks the cop.

"No, but I knew exactly where I was!", said Heisenberg.

The cop, suspicious, decides to check the car out. He looks over the cabin, and tells Heisenberg to pop the trunk lid.
He pauses, then shouts, "Do you know there's a dead cat in your trunk?"

And Schrodinger shouts, "Well, I do NOW!"

Scott

[geckzilla]

Throw out your cosmology text and liberate yourself from rightness.
http://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00108

[FloridaMike]

Throw out your cosmology text and liberate yourself from rightness.
http://arxiv.org/abs/1504.00108

These Authors have written a number of cheeky articles. I love this line from one ...

Even string theorists would typically agree that there is empirical evidence for matter in the Universe.

[Moonlady]

meanwhile in a parallel universe,
here is a happy little "Bob"

[Ann]

What a strange alien he is painting, Moonlady!

Ann

[Moonlady]

...adding just characters to be able to upload the attachment....

[Ann]

...and maybe Oxiemorons.

Well, there is a semi-detached southern part of Malmö called Oxie, and an American funny-man thought that the inhabitants there should perhaps be called Oxiemorons...

Click to view full size image

Oxie, with the water tower in the background, hiding the observatory on the hill. Maybe the group of pensioners in the foreground are the Oxiemorons?

Ann

[Beyond]

The Smothers Brothers on morons and lessons.

Click to play embedded YouTube video.

[FloridaMike]

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Forbidden Knowledge

it's a Know-no

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[BMAONE23]

What you get when you cross a Lexophile with a Numismatist

A newly coined phrase