Astronomically Bad Jokes (Or good)

[neufer]

Governmentium has no electrons...

Governmentium holds electrons every two years...

I'm pretty sure those are all virtual electrons.

"Heat and cold have a virtual transition, without communication of substance." - Francis Bacon.

Virtual, a. [Cf. F. virtuel. See Virtue.] Having the power of acting
or of invisible efficacy without the agency of the material or sensible part.

[makc]

(adj) virtual (existing in essence or effect though not in actual fact) "a virtual dependence on charity"; "a virtual revolution"; "virtual reality"
(http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=virtual)

[BMAONE23]

"Heat and cold have a virtual transition, without communication of substance." - Francis Bacon.

Virtual, a. [Cf. F. virtuel. See Virtue.] Having the power of acting
or of invisible efficacy without the agency of the material or sensible part.

So if the reaction between heat and cold were habitually repeated,
would it be a case for Virtual Substance Abuse?

[BMAONE23]

Childbirth at 75


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old friend of my mom was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, We went to visit.

'May We see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May We see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May We see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my moms friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can We see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told us.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do We have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[BMAONE23]

How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb

It's very difficult to pin down a precise number. First, a heated discussion ensues as to whether the object in question can, strictly speaking, be defined as a "light bulb" since it no longer emits light, thereby throwing into question the entire notion of changing it. The IAU is alerted, which, after lengthy discussion, concludes that the best course of action is to create a new category of objects: "darkened light bulb". This announcement is met with great celebration by the astronomers, who then begin work on changing the bulb, only to find out that the janitor took care of it six months ago.

[neufer]

Question: What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?

Elephino?

[wonderboy]

Why are there no bars on the moon?




Because theres no atmosphere! (rubbish I know )

[BMAONE23]

Could also be posed:
Why are there no Popular bars on the moon?
Because they have no atmosphere!!

[neufer]

Could also be posed:
Why are there no Popular bars on the moon?
Because they have no atmosphere!!

http://www.tekcycling.com/index.php?cPath=4_7_12

View of Petronas Twin Towers from the Luna Bar, Kuala Lumpur:

[Orca]

No bars on the moon? Do you know how hard it is to put together a decent pan galactic gargle blaster on the moon?

[BMAONE23]

I would imagine that since gravity is 1/6, the effervescence of the soda causes significant heading and quicker subsequent flattening of the beverage so drink up while they still bubble

[Orca]

I would imagine that since gravity is 1/6, the effervescence of the soda causes significant heading and quicker subsequent flattening of the beverage so drink up while they still bubble

Also, a gold brick with a lemon twisted around it won't have as much effect dropping on your face in 1/6th gravity.

[wonderboy]

I would like to apologise for my post that has now been removed by bystander. I never meant to cause offence. sorry guys.

[BMAONE23]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years . . . Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates . . .

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat yawned, stretched her paws out as wide as she could, purred contentedly and replied: 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[wonderboy]

A man walks into a bar.....

He needed 5 stitches HAR DE HAR

[BMAONE23]

Great news - Dracula has been killed at last! He was walking down the street during the early hours of the morning, when suddenly he was hit on the head by a pork pie and fell to his knees. As he struggled on he continued to be pelted with Scotch eggs, little slices of quichey stuff, chicken drumsticks, orange juice and so on until he finally died.

She'd got him at last, good old Buffet the Vampire Slayer

[makc]

wow that was really bad

[owlice]

I liked it!

[BMAONE23]

What do you give the man who has everything?


























Antibiotics.

[makc]

I'm watching House MD, so it makes sense to me

[rstevenson]

Overheard: a recently divorced (for the third time) man says, "I'm not going to get married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."

[owlice]

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of
the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the
bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth
of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your
civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

[bystander]

That's probably right, intergalactic chain mail.

[BMAONE23]

too funny Owlice

[Star*Hopper]

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

I thought that most isotopes of Governmentium decayed into Lobbyiestum.I believe that Lobbyiestum acually contains less Morons and has more monetary gravitational influence than the avreage Americum
(though, being a Radio isotope, Americum can be quite explosive if formed in Large Dense Groups)

I think there was an inadvertant omission which further explains about expelled particles;

"Relative particles which are expelled from the critical morass for whatever reasons generally remain at large and are known as Headupassiums. They for the most part are thereafter attracted only to isolated smaller local forms of Governmentium or federal prisons. Scientists have yet to fully understand this connection -- research continues."